What If I Stop Fighting My Thoughts and Feelings?

I know suppressing my thoughts and feelings doesn’t work, but what should I do about them? This is something I hear often from the people I work with. 

We talked in the last post about mindfulness and the concept of learning to be present in the moment without judgment. Inevitably, when we begin, or rebegin, a mindfulness practice this question comes up: I’m practicing being non-judgmental and bringing my attention back to the moment, but those sticky thoughts and feelings keep coming up.

Don’t worry. You’re not doing anything wrong. Mindfulness isn’t supposed to make difficult thoughts and feelings disappear. In fact, noticing that they keep showing up is part of the practice.

Resistance is Futile

Ok–that header is a little bit of a joke! Resistance occurs when we struggle against our moment-to-moment experience because we believe it should be different from what it is. Sometimes resisting what is happening is necessary. If we are in an abusive environment, for example, recognizing that something is wrong and taking action to protect ourselves is important. However, we often don't realize we are resisting, and the cost of fighting against what’s happening in the moment can be greater than the benefit of doing so.

There’s a saying, often associated with Buddhist teachings: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” That is to say that life is imperfect and pain will always be there. Sometimes it’s a “big P” pain like loss of a loved one, sometimes a “little p” pain of stubbing a toe. Either way, pain, like death and taxes, is a constant in our lives. How we choose to react when pain comes up is what often leads to suffering.

Suffering vs. Pain

To further illustrate this difference between pain and suffering, Shinzen Young uses a simple formula:

Suffering = Pain x Resistance

This isn’t meant to be a literal mathematical equation.  Instead it shows how resistance can amplify the suffering associated with a painful experience.

This becomes clearer with an example: traffic on the freeway. It’s a pain! If I were to give stop-and-go traffic a pain score from 0-10, I’d give it a two. Let’s take a Monday morning, where I’m already tired from waking up early and rushing to get to work when all of a sudden that traffic hits. I’m going to be having a lot of thoughts! Why do so many people live here; People don’t know how to drive; I shouldn’t have to deal with this just to go to work. This might lead to some frustration and, if I’m honest, some more aggressive driving. My resistance in this instance is high. I’m telling myself the story that traffic shouldn’t be happening and getting to work should be easier. On a scale of 0-10, my resistance is likely to be a six. Now we have the equation:

Suffering (12) = Pain (2)  x Resistance (6)

We have 12 “suffering points” from this everyday inconvenience. Now, let's think of a different day. Maybe someone has told me to expect a bit more traffic on my morning commute, so I’ve left a little earlier, prepared my coffee to-go and have that great new audio book set to play. Now my thoughts might take a slightly different theme. People are still bad at driving, but I’m not in their rush; I’m so glad I have this coffee and can sip on it to my heart’s content; Maybe I’ll be able to finish my book if the traffic is this bad. Now I’m no saint, so I still have some beliefs that traffic should be better–it’s still much nicer to sip on my coffee in my at-home mug and in my comfy chair–but, my resistance is much less. Let’s say it's two out of ten. That gives us:

Suffering (4) = Pain (2)  x Resistance (2)

Same situation of stop and go traffic; however how I respond, or how much I resist the reality of what’s happening, changes how much I’m suffering from this pain. And if we get really crazy, let’s say my resistance drops to 0, then:

Suffering (0) = Pain (2)  x Resistance (0)

That’s zero “suffering points” from an inevitable pain that arises in our lives. In the logic of this simple example, zero resistance means zero additional resistance from fighting against the experience. It doesn’t mean that the situation itself stops being unpleasant. If instead of resisting we accept that this is the reality of the situation, we can lessen our suffering from the pains of our lives. Through doing less we can actually gain our freedom.

The Two Arrows

Maybe math isn’t something that really speaks to you. Let’s think about this in a different way. There’s an old parable called the story of the two arrows. Here’s one way to imagine it: back in medieval times during a war between kingdoms, a farmer-turned-soldier is in battle, stationed behind a rock and alternating to move from the rock to shoot arrows at the enemy. Out and shoot. Out and shoot. Then, slam, he gets hit by an enemy arrow and slides behind the rock. 

It is painful, the arrow is sticking out from his arm and he can feel the stabbing sensation and pressure throughout his arm. As he lays against the rock his mind starts buzzing. I left my wife and children not knowing if they’d be able to harvest enough for the winter without my help, what if I die and they starve; Worse yet what if I survive but lose my arm so I just become another mouth to feed without being able to tend to any of the crops.  The story goes that that day the soldier got hit by two arrows: the one sticking out of his shoulder, and the second arrow of his thoughts, fears and interpretations about what that pain means for the future. Often it’s that second arrow, that lack of acceptance, that creates much of our additional suffering.

Acceptance doesn’t mean liking what is happening, agreeing with it, or giving up. It means allowing yourself to acknowledge reality as it is in this moment, rather than spending your energy fighting the fact that it is happening. From that place, you can decide how you want to respond.

What Are Your Arrows?

This begs the question: where does your resistance arise? What is the second arrow for you right now? We can’t stop the fact that you’ve been hit with that first arrow, but the second arrow is something you can influence. That doesn’t mean that we have to like the arrows, or give up or do nothing–in fact it’s usually quite the opposite. Once I fully accept that a job, relationship, or circumstance is what it is, I can decide what I want to do about it. I might look for new, leave a toxic relationship, or simply allow myself to be where I am while taking steps toward a life that feels more meaningful.

I encourage you, if you find yourself struggling with something this week, to try a simple exercise. Stop and write down the situation that is causing you suffering. This is your first arrow. Then write down all the thoughts, judgments, predictions, urges, and actions that arise in response to the situation. These can be part of your second arrow. Which parts of that second arrow are helping you respond to the situation, and which parts are adding unnecessary suffering? What might you be willing to let go of?