If I Can’t Control My Thoughts and Feelings, What Do I Do?

You can’t let go of that sticky thought, and your feelings are so overwhelming that it feels like you want to crawl out of your skin. We previously discussed how trying to control these thoughts and feelings usually leads to even more discomfort. So if controlling your thoughts and feelings isn’t the answer, what is?

The simple answer is to live mindfully. Mindfulness is everywhere these days–in many different apps, youtube videos, and even TikToks. But what does it actually mean?

Understanding Mindfulness

While there are many definitions of mindfulness, my favorite is from Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally.”

That doesn’t mean that judgements don’t arise! Once you slow down to focus on one moment, you might be surprised by the stream of automatic responses that arise: “like this feeling,” “don’t like this feeling,” “I’m doing this wrong,” “I should be feeling better by now.” This is completely normal–judgements automatically arise. Mindfulness allows us to observe these thoughts without getting hooked by them.

Because mindfulness is an experience, describing it with words alone can be tricky. It’s like explaining how an apple tastes–you won’t really understand until you take a bite. Let’s take a bite of that apple through a brief practice exercise.

Practice Exercise: Mindfulness of the Breath

To start, get in a comfortable position. You can be lie down, stand, or sit–whatever feels comfortable for you. 

Now, bring your attention to the sensations of your breath. You don’t need to change your breath in any way. Simply allow your body to breathe as it will, noticing how the breath feels in the body.

And, of course, the mind may wander, as the mind tends to do. That’s ok. When you notice that your mind has wandered, gently bring your attention back to this breath, right here.

Notice where you feel the breath the most in the body. Maybe in the nostrils, the throat, the belly, or somewhere else entirely. Zoom your attention into that area and notice what sensations are there to be felt. 

You may even notice that thinking about the breath is different than actually feeling it in the body. Seeing if you can tune into the sensation itself.

And, when you’re ready, let go of your focus on the breath and take a moment to reflect on your experience. 

What Mindfulness Is (and Isn’t)

You might have noticed a number of things as you did this brief mindfulness practice. Maybe you noticed a lot of thoughts or judgements arise. Maybe you noticed discomfort, or a sense of calm. Maybe you stopped focusing on this completely and are coming back weeks later to read the rest of this post!

Simply noticing your experience—whatever it was—is the core of mindfulness.

Contrary to popular belief, mindfulness does not mean that your mind goes blank, or that you suddenly feel calm and relaxed. Mindfulness is being completely aware of the present moment–and, to be honest, sometimes the present moment sucks! Feeling uncomfortable or distracted doesn’t mean you’re doing mindfulness wrong. 

Mindfulness doesn’t change what shows up; it changes what you do when it shows up.

Uncomfortable moments in practice are often the most valuable because they reveal our automatic patterns. As we gain distance from these automatic reactions, we gain the freedom to choose how we want to respond. 

You can notice what’s happening, make room for it, and choose what you want to do next–not what your thoughts and feelings tell you that you should do. Mindfulness is one way we practice this.

Practice Makes Progress, Not Perfection

Mindfulness is a lifestyle. Regular practice doesn’t make us perfect–we will still have those moments of reacting impulsively or saying things we regret. However, with practice we build awareness. And the more awareness we gain, the more freedom we have to choose how we want to respond.

Building this space takes time, but even small efforts can be meaningful. You don't need to commit to an hour daily; even five minutes can be a meaningful place to start.

If you’d like some guidance as you build your own mindfulness practice, I offer short, guided practices on Insight Timer here. Try adding a few minutes of mindfulness practice to your routine this week. You don’t need to aim for a particular experience or make anything change. Instead, notice what you experience—and what, if anything, changes or stays the same over time.