What If Your Emotions Aren’t the Problem?
It happens all the time.
You’re anxious about finishing a project at work while everyone around you seems to be effortlessly productive. You’re scared to speak to loved ones about your needs even though they seem to have no problem letting you know their needs.
And all these instances lead you to question: Is there something wrong with me? Should I really be feeling this way?
What are Emotions Good for Anyway?
Before we can answer these questions, let's take a step back and look at why we even have emotions in the first place.
Emotions are your body’s way of communicating with you and motivating you to survive. They aren’t always an accurate reflection of what’s going on in reality, but they are an accurate reflection of what’s happening inside of you. They tell you what your mind and body perceive as important, threatening or meaningful in the moment.
This goes back to prehistoric times: see a saber-tooth tiger, feel fear, hide and survive to the next day. Our emotions are our body’s way of trying to protect us.
Unfortunately, our nervous system hasn’t quite caught up to being at the top of the food-chain. Even little things, like saying no to a favor, can trigger strong emotions. Our body is wired to survive, not to enjoy or live a meaningful life, so we tend to get a bit of a negativity bias to help us survive any possible dangers. As Dr. Rick Hanson famously said "Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.”
A Good System Gone Awry
Feeling strong emotions is not fun–and since you’re programmed for survival you have many more negative emotions than positive. So, naturally, we try to sneak our way out of experiencing those emotions.
We suppress them. We avoid them. Sometimes through extremes like drugs and alcohol; sometimes through more innocent escapes like working extra hours or watching that bingeable TV show.
Don’t get me wrong, an escape can be good now and then, but if that’s our only way of responding when emotions come up then we never hear what our emotions are trying to communicate.
And as any parent of a toddler will tell you: if you ignore that initial quiet ask, a full-blown tantrum usually follows.
This is exactly what happens when we ignore our internal experiences. We avoid the fear of rejection by people-pleasing, but the next time someone asks for something that fear gets even stronger. Soon we’re in the middle of a panic attack over spending money on a concert for a band we don’t even like because what if saying no means we lose the relationship entirely.
If Avoiding Emotions Doesn’t Work, What Does?
The way out of this loop isn’t easier, but it is simpler: turning towards your emotions. Instead of blaming yourself for having feelings, practice allowing yourself to be curious about why your body sent that message in the first place.
Understanding that emotions serve a purpose is one thing. Learning to listen to them in our own lives is another. I began learning this early in my career.
I was angry, although I wouldn't have told you that at the time. Instead I did what any ‘sensible’ person would do and complained to my dad about how my boss was changing our facility’s therapy process. My dad couldn’t do anything to change this new work process, talking to him wasn’t helping my patients, and I could feel my heart rate going through the roof as I complained–and of course I then felt guilty for complaining so loudly too!
Then my dad said something that stopped me cold: “I am so glad you’re so passionate about your work.”
He was right! I wasn’t just being difficult. I was angry because people weren’t getting the care I felt they deserved. My anger was valid.
Ignoring how I felt and spewing that frustration wasn’t making the situation any better, it was really just fanning the flames. If I had stopped to ask what my anger was trying to show me, I could have directly addressed what was really meaningful to me.
The problem wasn’t that I had strong emotions. The problem was how I responded when the emotions showed up.
There is More Right With You than Wrong With You
Western culture doesn’t teach this at all–you only have to go to the store to see the ‘Good Vibes Only’ mugs and pillows to see that!
Having unfun, challenging emotions doesn’t make you broken. It makes you human. And because befriending our emotions isn’t something that we are usually taught, it can take some practice.
Whether this is something you do on your own, with loved ones, or in therapy, learning to respond rather than react pays off immensely. The goal isn’t to enjoy every emotion or agree with everything your mind tells you. It’s to become someone who can make room for whatever shows up without losing sight of what matters most to you.
A poet named Rumi captured this practice back in the 1200s with his famous poem, The Guest House. It amazes me that someone centuries ago was struggling with the same struggles we face today.
I invite you to read through the poem now. As you read, noticing what you feel (or don’t feel), recognizing that whatever your internal experience is, it is valid.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Perhaps there is more right with you than you’ve been led to believe. Your emotions may not be the problem. They may simply be the way your mind and body have learned to protect you. You don’t have to slam the door on every difficult visitor. Sometimes, simply looking through the peephole is where healing begins.
